Our country has been at war for close to 10 years now. For Morris County soldiers and their families, there are actually two battles: the soldier's combat abroad and the family's struggles at home. Each family member has their own story to tell.  Each carries unseen wounds and emotional scars. 

When stationed in Iraq, EOD Army Specialist Sgt. Samuel Robinson of Morristown lived in constant fear, always remaining alert. Highly trained in resilience, he became skillful at performing his mission on a daily basis. His adopted new family was his service unit–he could depend on them and they could depend on him. Over time, communication with home diminished and the tone changed.

Things changed for everyone.  At home, his wife, Peg, repeatedly answered the question of her youngest child, "When will Daddy be home?"  Her eldest, Tara, complained that she was tired of driving the kids around and babysitting while Mom worked. The middle child, David, became quiet; he quit playing sports, stayed in his room after school, and began to fail math. Peg worried constantly about the kids, paying bills and answering questions that had no answers. 

Then came the announcement of Sam's homecoming. While excited, a part of each family member was afraid of that day. They wanted things to return to the way they were before deployment, but they had established a new way of life.  They no longer knew what felt "normal." 

Upon his return home, Sam said, "Things have changed and I'm not the same. I don't sleep well, I drink too much and I don't want to be with friends. I want to end my marriage, but I have a duty to my children."

This story of bridging the gap between the old normalcy and the new-normalcy is the typical story of the Military Families and Veteran Outreach program at Family Service of Morris County, which focuses on how a new normal could come about. 

Peg would like to try to make this happen, even though she sees Sam is not the same man she married. 

Over time, and with help through FSMC veteran peer-to-peer counseling sessions, Sam began to see the promise and value of the family. He began to recognize the impact of deployment and social isolation on his emotions and the effect on his wife and children. Then he saw that there were two battles: one in Iraq and one at home. He allowed himself to feel and, as he does, his wife saw in him what she thought she had lost.  They began to create their new-normal, Sam rediscovered his family unit and the kids trusted that Mom was happy and that Dad had returned and not deserted them.

At FSMC, we are here to help military families. As a military veteran myself I understand what military families are experiencing. Our services are completely confidential and free of charge. If you or someone you know is a returning veteran or the family member of a soldier, please contact us for more information. (http://www.fsmc.org/services/families).

FSMC has been serving military families since we were established nearly 200 years ago to help widows and orphans of the War of 1812.

Combating myths about soldiers returning from war:

1.     When a soldier returns from the war, everything will return to normal, just as before. Not so. The soldier has changed and things at home have changed. With the downturn in the economy, often jobs have disappeared and new ones are hard to find; household roles and routines are changed; and the soldier may be injured physically or emotionally and be dealing with the complex care network.

2.     Soldiers view themselves as heroes. You and I may think of our returning soldiers as heroes, but they often have mixed feelings. Often they return home feeling upset, hurt, guilty and confused. It takes time to fashion the sense of pride that veterans may eventually come to feel.

3.     Greet your soldier with a "thank you."   While thanks may be appreciated from a stranger, often what a soldier wants to hear from acquaintances, friends and family is quite different. Instead, tell them, "Welcome home, I am glad to see you," give them a hug, or ask a few questions such as, "Where were you stationed?" Let them talk and surely something will come up for which you can indeed express your sincere appreciation.

4.     Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) will go away over time if you just tough it out. PTSD is curable, but only if you address it with someone whom you trust and who can listen. If you do not seek help, it will not go away on its own. 

5.     A veteran diagnosed with PTSD will be discriminated against for life. In fact, the opposite is true. Left untreated, PTSD is likely to cause dysfunctional behavior, such as drinking, drug use, flashbacks, sleep disorders, etc., which will cause problems in and of themselves. A soldier who has been treated with PTSD will behave and function well in life. 

- Jack McFadden, LCSW, Peer-to-Peer Counselor, Family Service of Morris County (FSMC), Military Families and Veterans Outreach Program